| BEWARE: It may make you think |
[29 Jun 2010|07:31pm] |
 There is youth, the distortion of youth and the reality that sinks into your veins where no one else can see it. You hide away those little truths that were never to be told growing up. You've forgotten all about the time you did this and that. You've blocked out the memory being hit by a leather belt, being smacked upside the head, bed without dinner and the list could go on. The distortion of youth is what makes it all okay, the happy memories. It's okay though cause your parents do it too, and their parents and so on and so forth. It's rare that you find one person, and even more so one family that will face the reality of the lives they lead.
It's then you discover things you've never known about yourself and others. So now it just becomes the matter of whether you want to discover them. Is there something there you'd rather just not find out about yourself, because screw everyone else this about you at this point. You weren't one of those kids with deep rooted problems growing up, or maybe you were and you know it. No one's life is perfect and the ones that swear they had a great childhood are just good at faking or forgetting it. Those that praise their hard times as a child and preach about how they struggled are only bullshitting you for the most part. There is never no in between, there's no right or wrong. There is the abandonment of what you know, what you remember, and what you've forgotten. It's not to care about that part of you because no matter what the fuck happened to you, you survived it. It doesn't make you who you are, it only helped shape a small piece of that dysfunctional puzzle. So why dwell on the things you can't change? Don't forget the bad, don't preach false perfections. Everyone is fucked up, so just deal with it.
My youth wasn't something particularly entertaining. I did something, I got beat. I did good, I got a pat on the head.
What comes next is really anyone's guess. You have youth and then it's gone, you've moved on to the next teleprompter that tells you what to do. Some people follow the masses, and that's not necessarily a bad thing either so I'm not saying that. Distortion turns into destruction and it can go one of two ways. You are either going to self-destruct or you are going to in-directly self-destruct because either way it still comes down on the shoulders you bear and not anyone else. Not your parents, not that fucked up or pressured childhood you supposedly had. This is you, you have your own mind and you know how to use it.
This time comes for some people early on, and some are able to hold off on it for as long as possible. Doesn't have to be noticeable either, the most subtle mostly desired I would think by white picket fences and those that wish they had them. Then there is the extreme on the other side of this rollercoaster spectrum. You're knocked up, passed out, and ready for the next chance to be numb. Then there is all the more realistic bullshit in between and taking up the majority of that spectrum...but who wants to hear about that? Who wants to know about your life and what hard times fell on you. No one, not really because they swear that they can come up with a better story about their own life just to top you. They could have one, or they could make one up or just add to an existing story that makes their own life somehow register in their own mind to have significance.
Somewhere along these lines is where I started fucking up. Everyone fucks up their life, teenagers rebel I just started a little earlier...and never stopped.
Distort. Destroy. What comes next? This story is different for everyone. Discover? Death? Disintegrate? It's almost impossible to generalize the types of lives that people lead and where it takes them. The past is easy to take a swing at, somewhere along the line there's something that hits home for someone and everyone else will just look at this and wonder what I was smoking.A life is yours to control and no one else, you can allow a domino effect to pull you in. You lined up those domino's though and you have a pretty good idea of where they are going to take you. Where the last one falls, you fall. Each collision into the next leads closer and closer to that evident point of time.
Diversion. Take your mind off all the things that have been fucked up in your life so far, concentrate on the great things that have and those that have gone. Fade away from what's really going on, or maybe you don't. There is always a diversion though, and maybe you don't even actually realize that it's there. Most times you don't want to acknowledge that it's there just like everything else that's been screwed up, or maybe it's something new. The point of which you have the option on how you want things to go, the responsibility finally something you get to kick around. Only for some reason, now you really don't want it or you don't know what to do with it.
Maybe I'm completely wrong or missing something somewhere along the line. I just speak from what I know, and the things I've seen. The people around me, and the people I see without being seen. Drawn from life experiences that are my own and the discoveries I've made.
So after reading everything there you wonder, what the fuck does this have to do with anything. Hell, what the fuck does this have to do with you, and you is me. I've talked about everyone else and maybe a few sentences about myself if that. I don't need anyone to hear my story, and if somewhere down the line someone happens to figure out the pieces that I don't mention than good for them.
I came from no where, I did everything, and I've been paying for it ever since. I lived hard and fast and I have yet to give up the lifestyle. Made a lot of mistakes and I'll make a lot more. I don't regret the things I've done and I'd probably just do them all over again given the chance. I lead a life that is my own, I say what I want to say and I don't give a shit. I am who I am and if you don't like it...guess what I don't give a fuck. I'm a realist, I see things for what they are, not what they could be or once were. If I say it, as far as I know its the truth. I don't lie and I hate liars even if I just lied right there. If I talk shit, its not shit and I'll be sure to back it up.Trailer Trash. Homeless. Reckless. Street Punk. River Rat. Home Wrecker. Bar hopper. Alcoholic. Junkie. Alleyway Sleeper. Lover. Fighter. Halfway House User. I could list you everything am or everything I have been, but that would take all night.
I've already taken up too much time. So you be who you are and I'll be who I am. Maybe before we die, some of us will get the chance to figure out just who we really are.
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